Five Completely Rational Ways to Deal with a Break-up

1)      Spend some quality time with Taylor Swift and your body pillow
          Everyone knows that T-Swift is the queen of breakups. She has more ex’s than a Valentine’s day card and has made her fame and fortune from singing about her broken heart. If you’re in the “my life is over and I’m going to die alone with fifty cats” stage then Tay Tay is your go-to gal. If you’ve moved on to the “he’s a loser and I do what I want” stage then it’s time to move on to Miranda Lambert. Either way, listening to songs that let you wallow in your emotions is the way to go, until your sisters get sick of hearing you wail along to “all too well” for the seventeenth time today.

2)      Raging like a maniac
          Of course after spending days in your room wallowing in your own tears and pity, you’ll finally get sick of living in the girl cave and have the intense urge to go dance and get as black out white girl wasted as you can. Of course you’re sisters will accompany you and explain to everyone around you that you “are going through a rough patch” while you’re dancing on a table screaming wagon wheel with a handle of Jack in one hand and an imaginary microphone in the other. The next morning you’ll have a raging headache and a meeting with standards but it was all totes worth it to fix your broken heart.

3)      Going on a slut phase
          They say that the best way to get over one person is to get under another, so take it to heart and get busy. It could be a rando at the bar or some acquaintance at a frat party that is conveniently located within your reach, but some guy is going to be on the right end of the mess that is you in your horny and emotional state. This is when you will overuse the words “I usually don’t do this,” have some below average drunk sex, and then do the stride of pride back to the srat castle early in the morning before you can be recognized by anyone you might know. Drink, shack, repeat.

4)      Retail therapy
          By now you’ve pulled yourself together enough to deal with your breakup in a mature, appropriate manner. You call your parents, sniffling and pretending to be way more upset than you actually are at this point, informing them that your ex’s name is now no longer an acceptable word in your household. As comfort, daddy tells you to go buy yourself something pretty and to take it easy for a little bit, because no father likes to see his little girl heart broken, especially because of some asshole frat boy. So you head off to the mall or the world wide web of internet shopping and you and daddy’s credit card get over him together.

5)      Have a girl’s night/week
          At the end of the day you know that no one has your back like your sisters. They’ve already given Sir Sucks a Lot the proper cold shoulder and glares on campus and covered your ass after all of your drunken adventures and sexcapades. Now you’ll crank up wine Wednesday’s with some cookie dough, Cosmo, and Gossip Girl and forget all about boys (at least for the moment). This is when you remember that boys are stupid and you really only need your sisters anyway. The single life will treat you well with your sisters behind you until a new frat daddy comes into your life that is so much hotter and a much sweeter asshole than your old one anyway.

You live, you learn, and you upgrade.