Feed me and Tell me I'm Pretty

I don't know if it's because I'm an only child, that I when I was five I declared myself a princess, or just the fact that I'm a girl, but I am probably considered by most males to be high maintenance. Having a guy call you high maintenance is almost as bad as being called crazy because it's something that basically no guy wants to deal with. (Spoiler alert: guys are just as much as if not more high maintenance than girls.) I started thinking about this, and hold up. I am a diva when I'm hungry and I like nice things, but I am not high maintenance. I used to ride horses, high maintenance is a moody mare, not a sorority girl who likes shoes and bags and to hear that I'm pretty. 

Reflecting on my last relationship, I realized that I was actually pretty calm. I admit to throwing a bit of a tantrum at this guy now and then but if you met him you would TOTALLY understand. I also have this super adorable habit of turning into a complete bitch when I'm super hungry. I can't help it I have a fast metabolism and a low blood sugar. But overall I'm easy to deal with.

Being judged as high maintenance means a possibility of three things. One, you have standards, and they're more than just basic. You have high standards for yourself and expect everyone else to meet them, especially a guy you're with. Two, you're dating an asshole. Lazy guys don't want to put in the effort to woo you so rather than admit they suck, they'll say that you're high maintenance and ask for too much. Sorry I didn't realize a birthday present was a ridiculous expectation, I'm such a selfish bitch. Three, you may be high maintenance, but that just means you need to find a guy who can provide for all of your needs. 

I don't think any girl is actually truly high maintenance, I just think she's probably with a guy who would rather own a bike than a Ferrari. With a bike, you wash it with the hose and put air in the tires and boom it's all set. A Ferrari? Not so simple. But which would you rather have? Girls that are perceived as high maintenance are viewed as a liability, when in reality they are an investment. A quality woman is worth the time, energy, and extra mile to satisfy. She will exert the same amount of effort for you because she holds herself to the standard of excellence in all aspects of life, and that includes keeping the man in her life happy.

I'm not saying guys should dedicate their entire paycheck to buying us presents (they should save up some money for trips to nice places too) but a little thoughtfulness and extra effort go a long way. I have found that if I have high expectations for how I should be treated, the men worth my time will rise to meet them. An investment in a quality product reflects their taste for quality as well. 

An Ode to The Men of Tinder

     As many of you may know, my latest amusement has been #menoftinder, where I screenshot the captivating gentlemen that I encounter and post them for all of you lovelies to see. It's real classy. I received a couple of questions about what Tinder is... so first, here is a little bit of a breakdown.

In its purest intentions, Tinder is an app designed to connect people in close proximity who may not know each other. You create a profile and anonymously like people who pop up based on their pictures and an optional profile. When you both like each other, you can talk. Kapish? 

In reality, Tinder, at least for girls, has two purposes. First, is to remind you how pretty you are. Nothing says "you picked the right insta filter" like getting a match with almost every guy you swipe right. Second, is for just plain old amusement. This amusement has two forms: pictures and conversations. Some of the pictures that guys post make you want to a) buy pepper spray, b) make really cute babies, or c) post their picture on twitter because it is just too good not to share. If you haven't yet swiped Mr. Yoga you are seriously missing out. However, some equally amusing moments come after the swipe: the pick-up lines. Here are some of my personal favorites I have come across, and the thoughts that go through my mind:

• Do you mind calling Life Alert? Because I've fallen for you and I can't get up! Thanks for reminding me I need to call my Grandma
• Hey fancy face, sup. Did he just call me fancy feast? Oh good he didn't. Hey fuck face, sup.
• So you're gorgeous and let's be honest... what are the odds of us seeing each other naked any time soon? Well aren't you just a charmer, and now that you mention it I was just DYING to see you naked. Never.
• Tinder says we'll make beautiful babies. We should give it the old college try. Let's not and say we didn't. 
• You are tall. This is good. For what, reaching the top shelf of your cabinets?
• Marco. Polo? Oh wait... his name is Marco.
• Your beautiful. RESIST THE URGE TO BE A GRAMMAR NAZI IT'S A COMPLIMENT
• So are you really rich or really smart because you go to __________. Both but you can't buy common sense... or manners apparently.
• You seem like you have a fun personality... I could be wrong though. You seem like a dick... I'm probably not wrong though.
• Thanks for the like, I really appreciate it. I'll expect a thank you note sometime next week?
• Intelligent and gorgeous, that's a dangerous combo. Like prune juice before a road trip. I'm sorry, what?
• Hey there pretty lady. 'Girls with asses like mine do not talk to boys with faces like yours.' Damn now I want to watch "She's the Man."
• What do you want for breakfast tomorrow? I don't plan that far ahead. Wait that's probably sexual. I guess pancakes? I like pancakes.
• Hi. You're pretty let's fuck. That escalated quickly.

Clearly Tinder is not the place to find your Prince Charming, although I would like to note I've been having a great conversation with a guy based on our mutual likes of Chubbies, lacrosse, and Frank's Red Hot. Now there are obviously a lot of hott guys that are just plain nice to look at, but to the men of Tinder who pose with their pugs, terry cloth robes, and strange O faces, I salute you. 

You keep doing you. Own that creeper 'stache, work that warrior pose. Where would Tinder be without your mirror pics, power points, or attempts to lick your wenis? It would just be basic hotties, and we all know that's no fun. No, you are the real men, who amuse me with your shenanigans, and confuse me with your pick up lines. I may not respond to your grammatically incorrect attempts to woo me or swipe you to the right, but you get a mental tip of the hat for catching my attention, something that only cute dogs and trust funds can really do these days. You have turned your cluelessness about female preferences into an art, and a great competition as well. Keep posing inappropriately with statues, wrapping cats around your neck, and violating your household items and I promise to keep looking cute and giving you the inspiration you need to wow me with another attempt at witty repartee. Thank you gentlemen, and carry on.

With love and swipes,

LLL  

P.S. Please continue to pose with your dogs because #dogsoftinder should definitely be a thing.