Five Productive Ways to Procrastinate

It’s almost time for finals and that means you’ll be sitting in the library for hours on end and you can only mentally rank all of the athletes and fratstars so many times before you realize you need to be productive. Now before you whip out your highlighter and pretend to open the book you bought at the beginning of the semester, there are plenty of ways that you can actually be productive.

1)      Craft

      You can never actually craft too much. Like, it is actually impossible. There is always your future little, and then your grand little, and then your little little little, and then there are your children some day. Technically you’re being proactive, because you would have to do those crafts at a later date anyway. And obviously you need to do your proper Pinterest research before you start so you can make a plan, and then you’ll have at least a few hours of glitter, paint, and mod podge on your hands. Note: baking is edible crafting, and is obvi totes acceptable as long as you don’t eat it.

2)      Workout

      Endorphins make you happy, and happy people just don’t fail their finals. Working out is healthy and even if it’s just the elliptical while reading Cosmo, it gives your brain a much needed break from reality. Besides, there is an entire different group of men in the gym that needs to be ranked since you've already done the sweep of the library. And then you have your post workout shower and then you have to lounge around naked for an hour or so after you do your post shower routine, so you have basically occupied yourself for an entire afternoon.

3)      Clean

     It is actually literally impossible for me to do any sort of schoolwork if your room is messy. I cannot handle it. Maybe it’s due to OCD for needing things to be perfect or the fact that nothing can be found for the other forms of procrastination but it is a well known fact that in order to do anything school related, your room must be spotless. So while you’re tidying up your room you might as well grab another glass of wine and recolor coordinate your closet, organize your heels by height, craft a new bow rack, and reorganize your shack shirt drawer. And then of course you can redecorate and craft some more while dancing around in your underwear singing Katy Perry. When you’re done you will have the perfect study environment that you can work in… tomorrow.

4)      Plan for upcoming social events

      Majoring in Sorority with an MRS minor is hard work. There are outfits to plan, formal dresses to buy, and coolers to make. You need to do all of it now so that you are prepared for the events coming up. Being prepared for social events is making an investment in your future. The Facebook photos you take will be like adding to your resume as a future trophy wife and the memories are totes more important than an English final anyway. You’re just a fluent in English as you are in sarcasm and passive aggression.

5)      Whatever the hell you want

      Sleep. Get your nails done. Go tanning. Get froyo. Day drink. Shop. Shack. Organize your Pinterest boards. Pick out your children’s names. Spend three hours on Lulu. To be honest, as long as you are doing anything else you are still being productive. Zero fucks given.

     

      

Five Completely Rational Ways to Deal with a Break-up

1)      Spend some quality time with Taylor Swift and your body pillow
          Everyone knows that T-Swift is the queen of breakups. She has more ex’s than a Valentine’s day card and has made her fame and fortune from singing about her broken heart. If you’re in the “my life is over and I’m going to die alone with fifty cats” stage then Tay Tay is your go-to gal. If you’ve moved on to the “he’s a loser and I do what I want” stage then it’s time to move on to Miranda Lambert. Either way, listening to songs that let you wallow in your emotions is the way to go, until your sisters get sick of hearing you wail along to “all too well” for the seventeenth time today.

2)      Raging like a maniac
          Of course after spending days in your room wallowing in your own tears and pity, you’ll finally get sick of living in the girl cave and have the intense urge to go dance and get as black out white girl wasted as you can. Of course you’re sisters will accompany you and explain to everyone around you that you “are going through a rough patch” while you’re dancing on a table screaming wagon wheel with a handle of Jack in one hand and an imaginary microphone in the other. The next morning you’ll have a raging headache and a meeting with standards but it was all totes worth it to fix your broken heart.

3)      Going on a slut phase
          They say that the best way to get over one person is to get under another, so take it to heart and get busy. It could be a rando at the bar or some acquaintance at a frat party that is conveniently located within your reach, but some guy is going to be on the right end of the mess that is you in your horny and emotional state. This is when you will overuse the words “I usually don’t do this,” have some below average drunk sex, and then do the stride of pride back to the srat castle early in the morning before you can be recognized by anyone you might know. Drink, shack, repeat.

4)      Retail therapy
          By now you’ve pulled yourself together enough to deal with your breakup in a mature, appropriate manner. You call your parents, sniffling and pretending to be way more upset than you actually are at this point, informing them that your ex’s name is now no longer an acceptable word in your household. As comfort, daddy tells you to go buy yourself something pretty and to take it easy for a little bit, because no father likes to see his little girl heart broken, especially because of some asshole frat boy. So you head off to the mall or the world wide web of internet shopping and you and daddy’s credit card get over him together.

5)      Have a girl’s night/week
          At the end of the day you know that no one has your back like your sisters. They’ve already given Sir Sucks a Lot the proper cold shoulder and glares on campus and covered your ass after all of your drunken adventures and sexcapades. Now you’ll crank up wine Wednesday’s with some cookie dough, Cosmo, and Gossip Girl and forget all about boys (at least for the moment). This is when you remember that boys are stupid and you really only need your sisters anyway. The single life will treat you well with your sisters behind you until a new frat daddy comes into your life that is so much hotter and a much sweeter asshole than your old one anyway.

You live, you learn, and you upgrade.