Five Productive Ways to Procrastinate

It’s almost time for finals and that means you’ll be sitting in the library for hours on end and you can only mentally rank all of the athletes and fratstars so many times before you realize you need to be productive. Now before you whip out your highlighter and pretend to open the book you bought at the beginning of the semester, there are plenty of ways that you can actually be productive.

1)      Craft

      You can never actually craft too much. Like, it is actually impossible. There is always your future little, and then your grand little, and then your little little little, and then there are your children some day. Technically you’re being proactive, because you would have to do those crafts at a later date anyway. And obviously you need to do your proper Pinterest research before you start so you can make a plan, and then you’ll have at least a few hours of glitter, paint, and mod podge on your hands. Note: baking is edible crafting, and is obvi totes acceptable as long as you don’t eat it.

2)      Workout

      Endorphins make you happy, and happy people just don’t fail their finals. Working out is healthy and even if it’s just the elliptical while reading Cosmo, it gives your brain a much needed break from reality. Besides, there is an entire different group of men in the gym that needs to be ranked since you've already done the sweep of the library. And then you have your post workout shower and then you have to lounge around naked for an hour or so after you do your post shower routine, so you have basically occupied yourself for an entire afternoon.

3)      Clean

     It is actually literally impossible for me to do any sort of schoolwork if your room is messy. I cannot handle it. Maybe it’s due to OCD for needing things to be perfect or the fact that nothing can be found for the other forms of procrastination but it is a well known fact that in order to do anything school related, your room must be spotless. So while you’re tidying up your room you might as well grab another glass of wine and recolor coordinate your closet, organize your heels by height, craft a new bow rack, and reorganize your shack shirt drawer. And then of course you can redecorate and craft some more while dancing around in your underwear singing Katy Perry. When you’re done you will have the perfect study environment that you can work in… tomorrow.

4)      Plan for upcoming social events

      Majoring in Sorority with an MRS minor is hard work. There are outfits to plan, formal dresses to buy, and coolers to make. You need to do all of it now so that you are prepared for the events coming up. Being prepared for social events is making an investment in your future. The Facebook photos you take will be like adding to your resume as a future trophy wife and the memories are totes more important than an English final anyway. You’re just a fluent in English as you are in sarcasm and passive aggression.

5)      Whatever the hell you want

      Sleep. Get your nails done. Go tanning. Get froyo. Day drink. Shop. Shack. Organize your Pinterest boards. Pick out your children’s names. Spend three hours on Lulu. To be honest, as long as you are doing anything else you are still being productive. Zero fucks given.

     

      

Five Completely Rational Ways to Deal with a Break-up

1)      Spend some quality time with Taylor Swift and your body pillow
          Everyone knows that T-Swift is the queen of breakups. She has more ex’s than a Valentine’s day card and has made her fame and fortune from singing about her broken heart. If you’re in the “my life is over and I’m going to die alone with fifty cats” stage then Tay Tay is your go-to gal. If you’ve moved on to the “he’s a loser and I do what I want” stage then it’s time to move on to Miranda Lambert. Either way, listening to songs that let you wallow in your emotions is the way to go, until your sisters get sick of hearing you wail along to “all too well” for the seventeenth time today.

2)      Raging like a maniac
          Of course after spending days in your room wallowing in your own tears and pity, you’ll finally get sick of living in the girl cave and have the intense urge to go dance and get as black out white girl wasted as you can. Of course you’re sisters will accompany you and explain to everyone around you that you “are going through a rough patch” while you’re dancing on a table screaming wagon wheel with a handle of Jack in one hand and an imaginary microphone in the other. The next morning you’ll have a raging headache and a meeting with standards but it was all totes worth it to fix your broken heart.

3)      Going on a slut phase
          They say that the best way to get over one person is to get under another, so take it to heart and get busy. It could be a rando at the bar or some acquaintance at a frat party that is conveniently located within your reach, but some guy is going to be on the right end of the mess that is you in your horny and emotional state. This is when you will overuse the words “I usually don’t do this,” have some below average drunk sex, and then do the stride of pride back to the srat castle early in the morning before you can be recognized by anyone you might know. Drink, shack, repeat.

4)      Retail therapy
          By now you’ve pulled yourself together enough to deal with your breakup in a mature, appropriate manner. You call your parents, sniffling and pretending to be way more upset than you actually are at this point, informing them that your ex’s name is now no longer an acceptable word in your household. As comfort, daddy tells you to go buy yourself something pretty and to take it easy for a little bit, because no father likes to see his little girl heart broken, especially because of some asshole frat boy. So you head off to the mall or the world wide web of internet shopping and you and daddy’s credit card get over him together.

5)      Have a girl’s night/week
          At the end of the day you know that no one has your back like your sisters. They’ve already given Sir Sucks a Lot the proper cold shoulder and glares on campus and covered your ass after all of your drunken adventures and sexcapades. Now you’ll crank up wine Wednesday’s with some cookie dough, Cosmo, and Gossip Girl and forget all about boys (at least for the moment). This is when you remember that boys are stupid and you really only need your sisters anyway. The single life will treat you well with your sisters behind you until a new frat daddy comes into your life that is so much hotter and a much sweeter asshole than your old one anyway.

You live, you learn, and you upgrade.

A Classy Girl’s Guide to Being Successfully Adored

Go ahead, admit it. You’re pretty damn amazing. You’re stunning, a good student, a great sister, a skilled conversationalist, and could organize a philanthropy event or social mixer with your eyes closed. You know you’re the full package and the real deal. So what’s the problem?

Here’s the problem: you’re too incredible. You make guys fall head over heels the first time you meet, parents wish their son’s girlfriends were like you, and other girls want to be you. When you’re in a relationship guys still hit on you, and the moment you’re single again every boy that’s ever had a crush on you cheers. You’re the one asked to formals, date nights, and to be the face of philanthropy events. You’re also the one that makes girls want to be in your sorority, and you’re basically the poster child for an angel.

Now if you've been basically perfect all your life, you know how to deal with having a fan club. But let’s say you didn't come out of your shell until college, or you bloomed in late high school. Being adored is quite exhausting. But that’s the price you must pay my dear, but glory is not permanent. The more you’re loved the easier you are to hate. That’s why you need to take every possible step to protect your crown in the hearts of your admirers.

1. Keep it classy.

                Nothing will get rid of your paparazzi faster than being a dirty hoe. Part of your allure is not only from being easy on the eyes, but also from being someone that his parents would be proud to meet. If you’re getting with every frat guy on the row, you could look like Katherine Webb and have the personality of Jennifer Lawrence but if you spread your legs like Paris Hilton you’re going to go from hott to not faster than the gym fills up the day after the Victoria’s Secret fashion show.

2. Be humble.

                  Yes, you’re incredible. Your family tells you, your sisters tell you, strangers tell you. Yet that does not mean that you get to tell everyone else. If you have to tell people that you’re amazing, you’re probably not. Now yes there is the art of humble bragging but that should be used sparingly for first dates and run-ins with your ex’s new girlfriend. You can think in your head all your positive qualities if you need a boost, but when someone gives you a compliment you better be flattered and appreciative. This also is like bitch repellent. You know that girl that’s so perfect that you want to hate her but you just can’t because she’s so nice? Be her. No one can hate someone that’s perfect and nice.

3. If you've earned it, flaunt it

                  Do you have a killer body? Maybe it’s natural but most likely it took some serious gym hours. Made dean’s list? No doubt due to slaving away in the library and office hours (or adderall). Planned a killer event? You had to be more organized than a NASA launch. Yes being humble is important but when you’ve worked hard, show it. Being a great personality comes naturally, but there is nothing wrong with earning the rest of the things that make you such a knockout. Besides, this is how you earn respect. And the next time someone gets jealous and calls you out for being too perfect, you can smile and politely remind them that while they were watching six episodes of Grey’s Anatomy re-runs, you were running, studying, and conquering the world.

4. Don’t forget the little people

                  Just because you’re on the verge of Greek goddess status doesn’t mean you can suddenly ignore or disregard the people that you either used to be friends with or aren’t friends with but don’t consider to be “on your level.” Listen here princess; you’re gifted, not sacred. Be polite to everyone, even if it’s the weird kid from your stats class or that admirer/border-line-stalker from a lower tier frat. You never know when you might need donations for your philanthropy or a study partner for the hardest test of your life. And if we learned anything from the French revolution, it was that the power of the lower tiers classes is not to be underestimated.

5. Don’t be a tease

                  It’s one thing to be polite and courteous but it’s another thing to give false hope. Because you’re the sassy and alluring belle you are, everyone is going to want to take you out. Hopefully you have high enough standards to be selective about who you are willing to date, but even if you don’t, be respectful of the boys who just couldn’t win over your heart. Be friendly and kind but not flirtatious. This will save you from many awkward confrontations in the future.

6. Remember that not EVERYONE is in love with you

                  Yes most people are charmed by your wit and grace, but there are always those few that will be unamused by your excellence. These are lost causes. Be yourself but tone down the peppiness, as it will only breed more resentment. Chalk up their uninterest to being boring and move on your merry way.

Wearing a crown is like wearing your letters, it’s always there whether you’re wearing it or not.

Pre-Haircut Anxiety

We've all been there, the mix of excitement and anxiety that can only mean one thing: a visit to the salon. As women, we pride ourselves on our hair just as much as we pride ourselves on anything else we do, from our ability to gracefully navigate any conversation, to our impressive baking skills, to the talent of undoing a button down with one hand. Bad hair days are the vain of our existence, and ever since we cut the hair of our first Barbie doll and she ended up looking like Angelica's Cynthia doll, we understand the consequences of a haircut gone wrong. 

If you're lucky, you've had the same stylist for years and she knows exactly what looks good on you, and what doesn't. She talked you out of going brunette that one time, and bless her soul for preventing you from getting that retched bob with bangs style you thought was so cool back in eighth grade. She might have single handedly saved you from social suicide in middle school. A hairdresser is not only someone trusted with maintaining your beauty and image, but she is also someone you trust to listen to all of your qualms and worries, no matter how silly or superficial. Going to the salon is an experience, because you’re not just losing the weight of a few inches of hair, you’re losing the weight of a whole bunch of bad decisions; anything from frat star drama to depression over the three pounds you gained from girl scout cookie season. These are the things that, to be honest, no one else cares about. But, you’re not just paying your hairdresser to do your hair, you’re paying her to listen, and as long as you return the favor of listening, you are going to get genuine advice not even some of your sisters could give you.

Now even if you would trust your stylist with your entire jewelry collection, in the days leading up to an appointment, you are, without a doubt, still fretting. Why do we freak so much? Why are a few inches here and there so important? (And no I'm not talking about men, that can be discussed another time.)

The truth is, as women, we are taught to have everything together, and our hair is one of the greatest outward representations of who we are as strong, capable, individuals. How is anyone supposed to know how well you walk drunk in your heels or how well you can paint a cooler if you don't look like you can? The point is: they can't. We all know from Elle Woods the importance of perfect hair; how else would she have become a super successful lawyer, married her Harvard hottie, and saved Bruiser's mom? Clearly not if her hair was dull knots instead of golden locks. Plus, she never would have gotten rid of Warner, who couldn't handle the power of the blonde so he didn’t deserve her anyway.

So next time someone gives you grief about stressing about your hair, remember that one, they probably don't have nice hair themselves, and two, that you have the right to care about something that might very well determine every many aspects of your future. Beautiful hair is a blessing and a privilege, not a right.

Shoes, Booze, and Big Diamond Rings...

These are a few of my favorite things... And fraternity men. And where do they all come together? A wedding.

Every girl dreams about her big day. We have Pinterest boards with pins galore about everything from dresses and cakes to how to have your dog in your wedding. Obviously (or hopefully) must of us college gals are not at the stage of marching down the aisle. But a girl can dream, right? Yes, yes she can. And I often think about the one thing possibly more important than the wedding: the proposal.

Now, I'm all for being high class and demanding but honestly if the right guy comes along and we're crazily in love and happy I would be fine with a ring from a vending machine over a Yurman (that may be a stretch but you catch my drift). My point is, I want a real proposal. And in case the man I get engaged to is romantically challenged (which he won't be because I'm getting engaged to him) here are some requirements guidelines:

1. You must ask my father's approval. We are doing this the old fashion way, he knows what's best for me and he always will. And if you're the best you will get the blessing.
2. DO NOT propose at a sporting event, concert, etc. aka anything that would mean you and me on a jumbotron. If you do this, I WILL say no.
3. Find someone to stealthily take a picture of my face when you pop the question. Make it a Pinterest worthy moment.
4. Get down on one knee. This does not need an explanation.

Other than that you are free to do what you please. I promise I will not be some tacky bitch who puts a zillion pictures of my new ring on Instagram or posts gushy statuses about the engagement as long as you promise to make when we get engaged the second most romantic moment of our lives, right behind when we say "I do."